alanamazingxo

the green grass grows all around, all around, and the green grass is getting greener each day. im ready to delve and sift through the soils of the last few months and worries and tears and conclude with the summation that the influx of new happinesses is sure to come knocking on my door. for now, however, i am as if lost in anonymity and animosity to which i am doubfounded. i will now curtail the afflicted weeds of my metamorphic figurative garden of rhetoric and lost romances and emerge a grown soul. watch me fly from the window sill, sir?

im aching for a change in the winds. why is it that lately ive grown so accustomed to bipolarity? the drab sameness of a week-by-week of a changing season just isnt enough anymore. well all be falling apart indefinitely and im just fabricating a sense of boredom as a clever cover, eh? you took me by the heart when you took me by the hand, but you quite possibly injected me with penetrating toxics to infiltrate and debilitate my judgment. thanks for that, i didnt need it.

when youre still alive but you know youre wrong,
dust your troubles off the shelf.
in a broken abyss and youre not strong,
youre only cheating yourself.

with problems a'flurry and youre so scared,
there is something to be said.
cross your heart, close your eyes, be prepared,
last words running amuck in your head.

if theres guilt tainting your broken soul,
dont deny what naievty prevents.
fate will take over and take its toll,
live up life without resent.

put me on your gradient. id like to view this from your larger scale of materialistic one-sided hues. entertain my apetite, and ill quench your thirst for differentiation. lackluster epics dont make it all the better, but rather all the more tedious. are you taciturn? hi, im opinionated, nice to meet you.

Before I fall too fast
Kiss me quick, but make it last
So I can see how badly this will hurt me
When you say goodbye

Keep it sweet, keep it slow
Let the future pass, and don't let go
But tonight I could fall too soon
Into this beautiful moonlight

But you're so hypnotizing
You've got me laughing while I sing, you've got me smiling in my sleep
And I can see this unraveling
Your love is where I'm falling, but please don't catch me

See this heart won't settle down
Like a child running scared from a clown
I'm terrified of what you do
My stomach screams just when I look at you

Run far away so I can breathe
Even though you're far from suffocating me
I can't set my hopes too high
'Cause every hello ends with a goodbye

But you're so hypnotizing
You've got me laughing while I sing, you've got me smiling in my sleep
And I can see this unraveling
Your love is where I'm falling, but please don't catch me

So now you see why I'm scared
I can't open up my heart without a care
But here I go, it's what I feel
And for the first time in my life I know it's for real

But you're so hypnotizing
You've got me laughing while I sing, you've got me smiling in my sleep
And I can see this unraveling
Your love is where I'm falling so please don't catch me

If this is love, please don't break me
I'm giving up so just catch me

nights alone or in your arms
youd think by now im immune to charm.
but no you catch me everytime i lean.
i been here once, you been here twice.
you snatch my heart, youre quite precise,
smilin' 'fore im even seventeen.

wildflowers burnin' up this town
but well have fallen by sundown
memoranda, bring me back to you, tonight.
propaganda, tell me this is true,
i stayed up just to wait for you,
greeted by the dawning light, and now

were ridin' in your car
not goin' very far cuz
home is right where we both belong.
under meteors flailing from the crust
to no avail, im caught up in your lust.
and now i know that it wont be too long.

........
(writers block)

spiraling downwards into a plunging abyss of frustration and impatience, i sit here figeting yet again, left with none other than a conspiracy theory unworthy of the days of sleep lost in effect. i am becoming more and more tumultuous with each passing day that the desired is not accomplished, and deadlines are drawing nearer. are we not all at a loss for words and sanity at times like these? it is as if my wandering mind is playing pinball with the stars and hearts aimlessly gallivanting this gallaxy, leaving my virgin heart yet still untouched by a human spirit. oh, how i long to be with thee; oh, how ive wondered and waited, when the frugal would have left weeks earlier. am i wrong here?

im going crazy. ive never felt this way before and its taking me over. is there a fine line distinguishing humanity from absolute insanity? my mind is on a wild track spinning in reverse and it just wont stop. i know how to go forward but the universe seems so against it. there is so much i could say, and were all at the mercy of the monstrosity of temptation. why do you keep leaving? my thoughts make no sense.

stole from cweesta, lol<3

I confess that in 2009 I...

( ) stayed single for the whole year
( ) made out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
(x) celebrated Halloween
( ) kissed in the rain
(x) had your heart broken
(x) broke someone else's heart
(x) had a stalker
(x) went over the minutes on your cell phone
(x) had a good relationship with someone
(x) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x) have a relationship with someone you'll never forget
(x) done something you've regretted
(x) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under a mistletoe

SCHOOL
(x) took an honors/advanced class
(x) broke the dress code
( ) sent to the principles office for misbehavior
( ) got straight A's
(x) met one teacher you really like
(x) met one teacher you really hated
( ) failed a class
(x) skipped school
(x) did something you were proud of
(x) discovered a new talent
(x) proved yourself an idiot
(x) embarrassed yourself in front of the class
(x) fell in love with a teacher
(x) intentionally tripped someone at school
(x) were involved in something you'll never forget

OTHER
(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
(x) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(x) posted a blog
(X) listened to music you couldn't stand
(x) went to a sleepover
(x) went camping
(x) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) visited a foreign country
(x) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
(x) partied to celebrate the new year
(x) cooked a disastrous meal
(x) lost something/someone important to you

In 2009 I...
(x) broke a promise
(x) lied
(x) went behind your parents back
(x) cried over a broken heart
(x) disappointed someone close
(x) hid a secret
(x) pretended to be happy
(x) slept under the stars
(x) kept your new years resolution
( ) forgot your new years resolution
(x) met someone who changed your life
(x um, saw in concert? :D <33 ) met one of your idols
(x) changed your outlook on life
(x) sat home all day doing nothing
(x) pretended to be sick
( ) left the country
(x) almost died
(x) given up something important to you
( ) lost something expensive
(x) learned something new about yourself
(x) tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
(x) made a change in your life
(x) found out who your true friends were
(x) met great people
(x) stayed up til sunrise
(x) cried over the silliest thing
(x) was never home on weekends
(x) drove
(x) had friends who were drifting away from you
( ) had someone close to you die
(x) had a high cell phone bill
(x) spent most of your money on food
( ) had a fist fight
(x) went to the beach with your best friend
(x) saw a celebrity
(x) gotten sick
( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time
(x) became closer with a lot of people

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always hopes, always perserves. Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
I think God is trying to tell me something with this verse. Ive heard it via facebook, in A Walk To Remember, by mouth, in the actions of a friend, and in a church service this lovely sunday morning - all in a span of a week. I have been loving all wrong, and He is trying to show me the light of His ways. Lately Ive found myself more apt to crying, but not in a bad way. Ive been more sensitive to others, but not in a bad way. Ive felt closer to Him, but in the best way. Oh Holy Spirit, lift me up and let me rejoice in the light of our Lord!

on monday night, i fell unto slumber as i had watched a film inspired by the books of genesis. on tuesday night, i reopened my bible once more and filled my heart with the Fathers loving scriptures. on wednesday night, i ventured up a steep hill with a good friend and a heart-to-heart, God-inspired dialogue. on christmas eve, i got dolled up and carolled the night away with 30 loving souls ive grown fond of over the years. on my saviors reigning day of birth, i secretly appreciated everything i have been endowed with as i enjoyed another peaceful evening reading the Lords word alone in bed. it seemed that, however, on the night anticipated for three hundred and sixty-four days, i had been most isolated from my family to become a hermit in the confines of my solitary residence. feeling a sudden urge of lonliness, i pondered why i had taken the step to separate myself from the material world and enjoy my solitude whilst deep in christian reading. christmas hath been portrayed always as a symbol of reunion and family love, and i had understood that. maybe, just maybe, i had put myself away realizing subconsciously that i hadnt been praying enough. i neednt be devoting myself to silly oddities, and as the time vanished swiftly enough to surpass my awareness, i found myself engulfed in a book i had put off reading for months now, and shant do anymore. i struggled to fight back tears welling up in my eyes as they scanned the beautiful words strung together by various souls afflicted positively by Gods eternal light. i had discovered the true meaning of christmas this year, and especially the true meaning of christian love. as two-thousand and nine rewinds, i see a young girl, aged fifteen, overly confident and bitterly naive, falling in love and falling apart, forgiving and realizing, growing up and knowing her deservedness. many a thing has changed me. i had been spinning in circles, meshing idiocracy with spontaneity, believing in the unforeseen just to believe in something. in this year, i have learned to forgive, not as an emotion, but a healthy mindset in which we move forward. in this year, i have learned i am not a tool; i am not designed to be used as a utensil by any other than my Creator; i am not to be stripped of the glory that God hath shed onto me by any, including myself. God hath given us desires, but He hath bestowed unto us the willpower to manage them. i recall a sermon one night focusing on temptations and losing our faith in tough situations. some need that faith more than others in slipping moments of despair. as many have been peeling off calendar days, counting down a new start, i wondered why we shant start now? it is never too late to be what one might have been, and maybe i might have been destined a protector; a lover; a voice. lately my prayers have been few, but even fewer have they included myself and my selfish desires. "pray for me?" i shall, my dear. ask of me anything and i lend you my ear.
merry christmas to all and happy birthday to my King<3

it is forebading. forewarning. foreseeing. ominous. omnibus. omniscent? not necessarily.. why is it that as we grow older we attempt to swerve sharp obstacles that clearly wont make for a smooth ride in the long run? why are we constantly putting ourselves in tricky situations simply to please our carnal needs and current pleasures, only to dig our own grave as we fall deeper and deeper into the abyss? i find it distasteful, yet it is quite affirmative that i cannot stop. i am afraid. afraid that the equivocation is the last predicament i faced. first cut is the deepest, eh? lets not get cut this time.

ive been doing a lot of changing lately. theres just something about the warm winter winds pinching my cheeks, the greyed skies hanging amiss above our two heads, and the flux in vibes that steal the vanished perturbations away in the midst of a silent commotion. i no longer feel the psychological need to propagate disputes, and instead, follow the wise words of general william howe; "treat our enemies as if they might one day become our friends". i am indeed twitterpated, but i do not mind anymore. i have come to embrace the mimesis of a once-life i have so longed to simulate. i am better now. its time you know you deserve to be, too.

i cannot fathom why males tend to be captivated by ostentatiously grotesque girls whos sole purpose is to degrade themselves, as a setback towards attaining any sense of fruition, esteem, or respect. if that is what you want than you do not want me or any simulacrum, so i suppose that i shouldnt thwart your desires if towards me, they are only perfunctory. i am one to believe that the mind is the most seductive but with slim to offer, her prostitution doesnt yield to your bad faith. so goodbye, i pray that thy does prosper, for i shall forsake one no longer, and carry onward.

changes have been stagnant; differences at a standstill, throwing me into a slump of sporadically quagmire proportions. what i need is something new and unpredictable, on the quantum level. each body in motion around my head seems to be a simulacrum, emulating simple perfection just to embed themselves under my skin like venom to the heart. did i create this? although facetious, i mustnt disguise what could be for what is factitious. could i for once submerse myself in a river of denial and coexist without being coersive? silence has thrown me towards a taciturn entity of which i do not belong.

ive been different. the act of neglecting my passions and necessities is causing me to veer astray spiritually and knock my routine off its tracks. however good that may be at times, i cant fathom why anyone whos chasing the elusive perpetual happiness factor i once gripped so firmly would prefer to have consecutive "off days". we caught on fire. it was swift, and lost as quickly as gained. things have recently taken a 270 degree turn and the density of the new-ness entering the concoction of experiences ive attained thus far has meshed incorrectly. you cant have your cake and eat it too, correct? if what ive previously wanted and now possess could only compensate for what im missing concurrently, it would all balance out i suppose. i am CONFUSED.

1. go to a show legally blonde the musical!<33
2. dye my hair a color ive never tried before auburn
3. get a tan
4. go to a prom or two
5. ace a pietrzak test! 90% on ch.8
6. meet a nice boy :) hehehe
7. top my costumes 'skankiness level' from last year on halloween french maid --> cop
8. go to charter homecoming and beat my record from last year(; donnneee
9. cross off more letters in my secret alphabet list
10. see chris brown in concert!!! he was beautiful<3
11. see more movies off the scariest movies lists
12. 'demand' and see (and psychologically live through) paranormal activity twas not scary.
13. learn new club dances like: thriller, the jerk, the wu-tang, single ladies, stanky leg, etc
14. get more toned abs
15. 7+ piercings
16. have a sleepover with anita and/or natasha :D
17. get a laptop finally my cute lil HP
18. legally own my car after waiting 4+ months! woot, license soon fellaz
19. drive after dark so easy
20. drive in the rain only drizzling..
21. get my license
22. take yoga or boxing classes of some sort
23. finally paint the living room a different color
24. read more of my christianity books from brenda
25. go to some more parties
26. discover a new skill/talent i never knew i had creatively spamming! (;
27. take the SAT/ACT
28. be on tv ch10 in the line waiting to see chris brown!!
29. read the entire bible
30. bring somebody new to church
31. learn the REAL christian meaning of christmas, and absolutely love it
32. try to grow out of my awkwardness
33. [try to] fix the majority of problems ive created in my life and with people
34. get baptized at cbg
35. go to calvary for the first time
36. obtain a purity ring
37. move up on the ranks on farmville (SO lame)
38. make straight As or close to it
39. go to the class of '10 graduation for CA and/or charter
40. go to chili cookoff for the first time
41. go to sonic!
42. finally wear my uggs after waiting a year for cold weather lol
43. see snow/ice in florida! "the florida freeze"


more later..

he must speculate that i am ignorant to his tactics. he must believe that i am blind to the stunts he pulls. he must think that i do not utilize any methods of comparing and contrasting cognitively. in reality, i am not oblivious to the camoflauged act he wears half the time. hes not clever enough to obscure me in the fact where i would not be able to detect that there is something amiss. my platonic feelings towards him are becoming grimly ominous and begrimed. im astute to the differences and i know i deserve more than a part-time friend coming from someone ive grown so fond of over the years. everything was different. everything IS different. let it all return to simplicity and camraderie, anon.

life is a scavenger hunt. one starts off with an initial idea of what to expect and attain but nothing is as it seems or as we bargain for. sometime in life, autonomy and reality conflict and some things can never be prevented or even perceived. i must confess, though, that i still believe in the possibility of total control over destiny, despite the fact that life is short. if that is so, however, then what else can we perceive as longer than the longest thing we ever will experience? im losing my mind in the plenums and plentiful contradictions in my paradoxical, wandering mind. were all seeking happiness. if we were not, we would not be here, living, breathing, learning, loving. happiness must be the most elusive of all things on our scavenger hunt list. why is something that every breathing, thinking organism strives to posess, SO hard to perceive, feel, or wallow in? lately ive been overwhelmed living in a volcanic world, ready to erupt at any moment. socially, im in a straight-jacket and cannot win no matter which way the situations turn. mentally, im a probing, expanding object, like oatmeal in a bug, ready to explode the insect from the inside out whenever the water sets in and the particle grows too big inside. physically, i am the abrasive rock i used to collect as a child. with so many contradictions within, the mind-body principles really cannot apply to me at all. is happiness REALLY all around us? i should know by now how to interact with something innocent without leaving my fingerprints about.

we were different. the mechanics of the failure all seem so clear to me now, and as if only made brilliant through the doors of a dentists office. i was classy. i had taste and intellect, he was easily amused by kaleidescopic aspects that parents use to stimulate brain titillation in babies. i was earning a college degree, he was fighting to obtain his high school prerequisites. i have a plan in life, he has a condemnation limiting him to a meager range of possibilities. it was a failure waiting to happen, and it sure did soon enough. like a north star guiding me back onto the path of righteousness and genuinity, i am fortunate to have been responsible for half the failure in a relationship. the unfortunate side, however, is the blurry area that you dont quite see until you examine it. metaphorically, it was difficult to tell whether the area of interest was distorted or if my eyes were morphed into accepting such a blurred view. there is a first time for everything.